I sit in my closet. Don’t laugh. It’s where I sit every morning, legs outstretched in front of me, heels on the bottom drawer of my dresser and my back against the wall.
My closet is where I think.
This morning, I was thinking about the what transpired over the course of this past week. Processing. Where did I go wrong; where was I wronged? How can I move forward, how should I move forward? Is there anything I need to resolve? What is mine; what is not?
If you aren’t in the know, this last week blew up into what was a very public coming out of information related to a coach I had hired; a coach I trusted, one who, in some ways trusted me. Trust was broken. I didn’t like the way I was being treated, I found information I never thought I would. I asked a question and up rose hurt hidden in the hearts of others. The tribes raged and feelings whipped about in a fury that bruised everyone involved.
Five days later the storm has subsided and we are left to clear the wreakage. To sort through the rubble to find our own pieces – to pick them up, learn what we might and carry on.
It’s tempting, when hurt happens to, “grab some chocolate chip cookies, a puppy and hide out in our forts away from the world.” I laughed when I read this comment made by a friend, because indeed, I did spend time in my closet with my blankie on my head and if I’d had cookies and a dog I would have taken them with me.
Life is a big sloppy mess. Mistakes are a part of life, whether someone slights you or you slight someone else doesn’t matter – we are all human, we all screw up. Out of our errors and the those thrust upon us, we are faced with a choice. Allow and accept reality as it is today, or fight against it. Life is as Glennon of Momastery says, “brutiful.” It’s as brutal as it is beautiful; as beautiful as it is brutal.
Anticipating the struggle is what makes the brutality beautiful.
It’s by acknowledging the pain of learning; knowing it’s a normal part of every journey, it’s by realizing we hurt others and we will be hurt that we can grow and become wise. Holding on to the reality of imperfection helps us to crawl out of our closet and take the blanket off our heads. Accepting we will never reach perfection on this plane of existence eliminates the need to live in regret.
Humanity is imperfection.
So, we sort through the aftermath, recognize our parts, clean them up as best we can and move forward. We move forward having learned that when you’re riding your bike, turning the wheel so sharply or riding so close to the curb causes a crash. We anticipate the fact that we will indeed crash again and that sometimes, we’re taken down and sometimes we take someone down with us.
As for me, it’s time to get out of my closet and back on the horse. I’ve processed what happened, determined my part; left hers to her. Sitting here any longer nursing reality means wasting the chance to turn scars into gifts that can serve.